A Chinese man walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The barman asked, “Where’d you get that?”
The parrot says: “In Asia there are MILLIONS of them!”
I am not sure why parrots feature so much in jokes but they do. Here are a few samples some of which you’ll know but a good story, like good music, bears repetition…
A woman bought a female parrot without realising it had spent its formative years in a brothel. All it would say was “Hi guys! You wanna good time?”
This often proved to be very embarrassing and the woman asked her local priest what she should do.
He told her he had two male parrots who spent their days saying the rosary and praying quite fervently and he suggested she put her parrotess in with his two males.
When the female parrot entered the cage there was silence at first. Then the new arrival said, “Hi guys! You wanna good time?”
One of the male parrots said to his companion, “Hey Cecil, you can stick those beads away. I think our prayers have been answered.”
Then there was this one which I frequently receive:
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. It had a bad attitude and its language was profane and vulgar.
John tried in vain to clean it up.
He yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. In desperation he shoved the bird into the refrigerator. The parrot squawked and screamed. Then, suddenly, silence.
John quickly opened the door and the parrot stepped out onto John’s outstretched arm and said: “I have offended you with my rude language and I apologise unconditionally. I will never swear again.”
John was stunned and was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change when the bird continued, “May I ask what the chicken in there did?”
Then this corny one:
A woman brought a very limp parrot into the surgery and the vet pronounced it dead.
She wailed, “You haven’t even tested it.”
The vet brought in his Labrador. It sniffed the dead parrot and then looked at the vet with sad eyes.
Then the vet brought in a cat that looked the parrot up and down and left the room.
The vet said, “It’s definitely dead.” He handed her a bill for R400. She was outraged.
He shrugged. “If you’d taken my word for it, it would have been R60 – but what with the Lab test and the cat scan…”
My favourite:
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician could safely repeat the same tricks.
Just one problem: the captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician was doing. He took to calling out in the middle of the show: “Look, it’s not the same hat!” and “He’s hiding the flowers under the table!”
The furious magician could do nothing because it was the captain’s parrot.
One day there was a terrible storm and the ship was wrecked. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in mid ocean, the parrot by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but uttered not a word. This went on for several days.
Finally, the parrot said: “OK, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”
And this one which I used some time back:
After carefully “casing” a house for several hours and watching the residents depart for a night out, a burglar entered and in the dark felt his way around from room to room.
On entering what he considered to be the living room he heard a quiet voice say, “Jesus is watching you!”
He froze. Then he continued to cautiously feel his way further around the wall and the same voice, somewhat louder now, repeated the message: “Jesus is watching you!”
Again he stopped. Silence.
He continued around the room for a while and a loud voice from immediately in front of him said, “JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!”
He took out his torch and shone it on a beautiful parrot sitting in its cage directly in front of him.
He laughed with relief and asked, “Is your name Jesus?”
“No,” said the parrot, “My name is Percy.”
After a stunned silence the burglar asked, “Who on earth would name a parrot Percy?”
“Well,” said the parrot, “that would be the same person that named the Rottweiler that’s walking behind you, Jesus.”
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